Response-ability:  We reposition ourselves in relation to others and the world in each moment seeking our consensual and coherent place of belonging.  If we become overwhelmed, frozen, or otherwise unable to respond we do our best to speak to it openly and honestly.  We do not attempt to control others’ actions in order to avoid shifting our own relationship to the external world, although we may share our perspectives and invite change.

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I had a breathwork session from a friend.  It was brilliantly simple.  She sat with me and encouraged me to breathe on my own terms.  She helped me to be gentle with myself, expanding and condensing my body in a delightfully natural flow without trying to get anywhere.  In time I experienced a subtle, full-body, orgasmic pleasure.  I tried to deepen the experience by breathing with greater intensity, but my actions only pushed the feeling away.  The paradox of choice was so clear:  The experience of being embodied can be met and explored.  Yet, in its depth it cannot be completely owned or controlled.  We participate in guiding a lived experience that we are not in control of.  I like the word ‘repositioning’ as a way of describing and relating with this process physically and metaphysically.  We may reposition ourselves by making choices about how we move, perceive, and relate with our bodies, others, spirit, and the environment.  Repositioning does not generally alter the conditions we are presented with, but it shifts our relationship to them.

Response-ability is the ability to respond.  To be able to respond to conditions is fundamental to life.  We are self-organizing systems who adapt to internal and external change.  Our responses are sometimes voluntary:  For example you have chosen to read these words.  Voluntary response is typically the level at which we choose to reposition ourselves.  You could choose to stop reading this and put your attention somewhere else.  Yet, many of our responses are involuntary.  For example, if there is a loud and sudden sound you cannot choose whether to be startled—it just happens.  Shifting voluntary responses is simple enough.  The deepest aspect of response-ability, and of repositioning ourselves, is noticing and managing involuntary response patterns.  We may also recognize that many response patterns which at first glance appear voluntary, are actually not as voluntary as they seem. 

It is customary in the time I’m writing this to speak of being ‘triggered’ into involuntary response patterns.  Polyvagal theory, integrated among other somatic psychology perspectives, offers that in situations that in some way mimic past traumatic experience we can lose the ability to consciously respond to what’s taking place.  Dynamics of fight, flight, freeze, collapse, or fawn may essentially hijack our nervous systems, shifting our state of consciousness.  It becomes very difficult to make new choices despite great intent, and we become unable to do what we think we should do.  Neither are we powerless.  We can practice noticing and de-shaming our responses to slowly increase the potential for conscious choice.  This way of repositioning ourselves is often indirect at first:  If you know what startles you, and how you respond when startled, then you may choose not to enter environments where you are most likely to be startled, or you may avoid making important decisions while in this triggered state.  Essential to this approach to repositioning is being able to notice when we are triggered.  Building self-awareness is key to having response-ability.

I had a dream in which I was flying a model plane.  Then I was in the plane, and I was headed for a tree.  I had forgotten that I had any control of the plane, remembered suddenly, and avoided hitting the tree just in time.  In the next part of my dream I was talking with a friend who had just discovered all the places she could get to by train.  She was excited to tell me all the adventures she was having.  As I feel into this dream I recognize themes of response-ability:  In the plane it was only when about to crash that I remembered I had a say in how I repositioned myself.  In the total freedom that flying represents to me, I needed the tree to activate my choice—an external reality to be in relationship with.  Connecting with my friend—another aspect of myself—I learned I could go to specific places mapped out by the tracks.  Mapping train tracks is like mapping my own triggers and states of consciousness, developing awareness of the defined places I go repeatedly.  

Self-awareness is built through somatic research, and often requires interaction with others.  Moving and feeling in community we get feedback about our response patterns.  Our triggers show up when in social relationship.  Our shadows—the patterns in us that we are unable to see—often reveal themselves if we are willing to notice and question our reactions.  If I notice that my shoulders and belly tense when you approach me, or when someone says something on a particular subject, then I’m given a clue about my internal mechanisms.  We typically externalize these responses:  I’m angry because you did something, I’m silent because someone silenced me, or I’m turned on (or off) because someone’s seducing me with their power. This can all be true, and yet there’s also another layer of awareness available which affords us greater response-ability.

A meditation teacher of mine created a sticker with the words “Don’t just do something, sit there.”  This is a great inroad to deeper response-ability.  In relationship to the above example I might notice my state of tension, recognize it as anger, explore how it moves in my body, and wonder at how often I seem to feel this way.  Then, instead of directing my anger at the person who triggered it I could choose to express it by throwing rocks in the river until I’m able to think more clearly and discern whether I still have something to say.  In the case of silence I may find myself generally unable to access my ability to respond, and I may need to rest for a while in my stillness.  I can find a place to come back to myself, and then update others later on the response I wish I had been able to offer.  In time I may be able to significantly shorten the amount of time it takes me to come back into my activation.  I can similarly choose to change course if I’ve become sexually engaged, recognizing that I’m no longer feeling a genuine draw to the other person.  To do so requires that I have the physical and emotional ability to say ‘no’ and to mean it.  In each of these cases I must first recognize that I’m on a certain track, de-shame it for myself, and wait for the intensity to pass before I can proceed.  This is easy enough to imagine, but clearly more difficult to do in the moment.  Response-ability takes practice, particularly at holding ourselves in the moment of discomforting activation.

When we interact with other people we navigate our relational agreements as consent and consensus processes.  Consent is about what we agree to individually, while consensus is communal.  There are numerous practices for getting better at discerning and communicating what is a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ for us that are taught in consent programs or at events where being able to do this is important.  One thing I’ve noticed about these practices overall is they tend toward situations where a person approaches, and then a clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’ needs to be offered.  This is an important beginning, and indeed many real-life situations work this way, but many also do not.  There are so many maybes, and also so many opportunities that present themselves indirectly.  We can choose to reposition ourselves so that we may gain access to relationships and experiences that would not otherwise be in our path.  We can also reposition so that we have options beyond ‘yes’ and ‘no’.  This is why I like the model of repositioning as a way of holding response-ability.

In total the shift into response-ability happens when I focus on how I’m responding to others rather than trying to change the behaviors of others.  These course corrections are difficult to make because they go against the flow of deep involuntary patterning, a flow we prefer not to alter.  There is also an important ‘and’ to consider:  My instinctive responses may be the perfect way to handle a situation.  It is easy to fall into the trap of constant self-criticism or self-shaming.  The key here is that discernment comes through repeated experimentation, and a willingness to make mistakes.  In time the state of one’s nervous system—the tone of consciousness—becomes more palpable and easier to read.  Therapeutic and recreational play environments offer the opportunity to practice noticing, evaluating, and re-patterning our responses.  My own capacity for power, authenticity, and joy in relationship has grown tremendously through such practice.  Intentional group containers have allowed me to run into my triggers for sport, inspiring in me both fear and joy as I have been given the ability to make mistakes, make amends, and grow.  These containers give me the chance to consciously navigate how I relate and what agreements I am making with others.  BraveSpace® is such a container, offered in the hope and belief that response-ability may be learned, shared, and practiced to strengthen our communal culture.  It is an invitation.